Mid-Mess, Mid-Grace
I’m 37 years old, but in so many ways, I still feel like a kid at heart and in my soul. I have this deep-down excitement for life (genuinely) — a childlike hope that things can still be magically amazing, fun, and beautiful. I laugh too loud, dream in colors, and get excited over little things like a cold fizz, warm cup of coffee or walk in the park. I still believe in pure joy and happiness.
But lately?
Life has felt heavier than usual.
And here’s what I’ve noticed: most people only talk about hard seasons after they’ve gotten through them. You know the stories — the ones where they say, “It was tough, but now I see the purpose,” or “Here’s how I found peace again.” I love those stories. They offer hope.
But what about the middle? What about when you’re still in the thick of it, and the healing and answers haven’t come yet? When your prayers feel quieter or LOUD and messy, and your heart feels heavy? That’s where I am. And I just wanted to share something for those of us still walking through it — not thriving at the moment, and what feels like just holding on.
As an Enneagram 7, sitting in pain feels like being trapped. I naturally want to run toward joy, toward laughter, toward distraction. I love when my counselor talks about Joy from inside out because I literally relate to that character 100%. My default is “how fast can we get rid of this sadness?” But you can’t always outrun sadness ( I wish we could cause I would run foreverrrrrrrr. Trust me, I tried one day. And eventually, life will slow you down and invite you — sometimes gently, sometimes not — to just feel it. That is something I am currently working on… to accept and feeeeel it (so not easy).
And let me tell you: that’s hard, SOOOOO HARD.
But in these moments — the raw, quiet, in-between ones — there is still something constant and comforting. God is here. Not just on the other side, not just in the breakthrough, but right now, in the uncertainty and the mess. He’s not asking me to fake joy (I think he actually wants me to feel this sadness). He’s not rushing my process and trying to teach me the same. He’s sitting with me in the sadness even when I don’t want to be there.
God isn’t afraid of our tears. He meets us in them.
The other day, I was writing in my prayer journal and I literally wrote, “Jesus, please help me!” That is all I had in me but he knows my heart even when I don’t know how to share it.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me.” — Psalm 23:4
That verse doesn’t promise that we won’t walk through the valley — it just promises we won’t walk through it alone!
Sometimes, moving forward looks like a big leap of faith. Other times, it’s just taking a shower, going for a walk, or opening your Bible even when it feels distant and like you don’t want to, maybe even just putting on a worship song. Progress doesn’t always look like a breakthrough. Sometimes it’s just choosing to put one foot in front of the other.
So if you’re in a hard season too, I want you to know: you’re not doing it wrong. You’re not broken because you haven’t figured it all out. You’re human. You’re loved. And God is not disappointed in you for being in the middle of it.
Let’s not rush past this part. Let’s not feel like we have to tie it all up in a lesson just yet. Sometimes, just showing up with our hearts still open — even if they’re hurting — is the bravest thing we can do. ( I am also learning this myself and feeling the sadness is the hardest part, but I am working on it). I don’t have this figured out at all and my counselor is helping a lot with those specific thing. I still can’t wait to be out of this season but also trying to learn in it.
You don’t need to have the answers. You just need to know that you’re not alone.
You’re still in it… but you’re still held.
-Katie-lyn Smith
